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The best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them. Ernest Hemingway

Hemingway was right. There are many ways to fool people into thinking you are trustworthy and, in fact, most people are – over some things and when they are getting what they want. That trustworthiness evaporates very quickly when people lose confidence or respect – or simply become greedy and selfish.

How does a leader create trust?

By hearing what the led are saying, by asking them sensible questions that show concern and interest, by being demonstrably fair and by doing what s/he says they will do. These four elements are hearing, asking, evaluating and performing. The easiest of them is the last, the most difficult, the first.

We do not now talk of listening any more than we call education, teaching. It is easy to teach, but more difficult to educate; easy to listen but hard to hear because hearing another person is not merely getting the gist of what they are saying. It involves reaching to understand why they are saying it, what is making them say it the way they are saying it and what has caused them to choose this time to say it. Active listening involves questions and skilful observation.

The art of asking questions is knowing when to encourage by using signals that you would like the speaker to go further into what they are already pursuing and when to guide them onto another, more productive, line. Good questioning can be taught and when practiced consistently changes relationships significantly for the better.

Evaluating correctly is the basis of fairness. When other people think something is fair you will regard it as generous. That may be because they are greedy or because their expectations and yours differ. This dilemma is solved by consistency. As we all know, in raising children, being consistent is the key to avoid spoiling; same with adults.

Using the trust you have won with others requires congruent behaviour. Words and actions must be the same. True for handling children, it is equally important in dealing with adults. People think that children like surprises and, of course, they enjoy an unexpected day off or a visit they had not anticipated. In practice, however, nobody likes surprises, not even the good ones. By definition they are behaviour that is out of character and unpredictable and all such behaviour is somewhat threatening.

Maintaining the trust you have won requires congruent behaviour, consistency, and strength. The strength is of the confident sort, not the bullying kind. It is judged as the difference between assertiveness, essential for all management, and aggressiveness, which is just a demonstration of weakness.

When a boss combines the confidence of decisiveness and the humility of recognizing the credit that is due to others s/he has achieved the pinnacle of leadership.