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Whoever we are dealing with, and for whatever reason, we need to think about their agenda before we think about ours. We are not going to sing to their hymn sheet but we want to get them wholly focused on our agenda. We must either deal with, or distract them from, theirs. We cannot do either if we do not know what theirs is. Sounds obvious? I wish it always was.

People under stress want to talk, to explain the situation as they see it, sometimes to get it off their chest, sometimes just to be able to feel that they are doing something when it is difficult to know what to do. All very understandable. Pressure can make us forget that we are in a selling situation, just as much as if we were trying to get the listener to buy a car or a bottle of perfume. A good salesman observes, listens, questions and only then makes his pitch.

The analogy with doctors is a good one. The other day I visited a top surgeon. I had not met him before and I knew he was very busy. Because the questions I needed to ask him were complicated by a lifetime of mistreatments that had left me like an overgrown battlefield, I sent him a brief. Quite a long one as it happened. I have sent doctors briefs before. Usually they open them when I sit down. This doctor had read the brief and listed several questions about it.

Two things flowed from this. First, he immediately had all my confidence. Second, since the questions he asked were sensible and were matters not covered by my brief I felt that he was heading in the right direction. This is a man I would be prepared to allow to add to the scars of belligerent living.

Perhaps the two most important times to be on the lookout for the other chap’s agenda is at a job interview and on the first day of work in a new job. In both situations you want to – have to – impress. But what is the thing that impresses you most about the people you meet? Not their ability to speak but their ability to listen. People who talk very little, but always say something worthwhile when they do, leave a lasting impression of wisdom.

It is good to remember the first rule of communication. People will not remember much of what you say. They will never forget how they felt about you when you said it. So the question when planning a meeting is not “your place or mine?” but “your agenda or mine?” Obviously yours.

Strange how often that turns out to have been mine, isn’t it?