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More people than ever are asking me what Mentees must do to make the most of their mentoring. The following six rules help to ensure success.

[1] Both Mentee and Mentor must agree the objectives and goals at the outset – keeping open minds so that as opportunities and problems emerge they can be accommodated. Some Mentees approach a Mentor not knowing what to expect. They must allow the Mentor to guide them in such a way that their expectations are realistic, understanding that they, not the Mentor, do the work.

[2] While Mentees drive the subject of the mentoring, certainly at the outset, the Mentor should also have a point of view at every stage about what is important to the Mentee. Over half the Mentees who come to us think they know what they need but on examination it turns out to be only partly right, and occasionally completely wrong.

[3] Mentees need to be given assurances that everything they tell their Mentor is absolutely confidential. Only with complete trust can they be transparent, an essential condition of good mentoring. Mentors quickly become friends, which is right; they must never become lovers.

[4] Mentors know how objectives are achieved but the best mentoring relationships are about strategy first, tactics second. For example, Mentees uncertain about their career objectives will make poor use of advice about their CV and the interview. Mentoring is holistic and developing, not remedial.

[5] Good Mentors ask questions and understand the answers. Mentees must learn the difference between listening and hearing. To make the best of your Mentor you must translate his or her stories and experiences into what they mean in your situation. Mentors do not prescribe answers; they help you to think them through. An answer you deduce is worth a thousand textbook solutions.

[6] Mentoring relationships, like all relationships in life, wax and wane. Some Mentees achieve their opportunity or solve their problem and happily end the relationship possibly reverting to the Mentor later. Others keep in touch through occasional meetings. We keep these informal, often over a coffee or a simple lunch.

To over-formalise mentoring, turning it into a set of procedures, is to deny the essence of it and make it a class or set of instructions rather than mentoring. Agendas are useful in many situations where two or more people meet. They are important for Mentees when urgent action is needed. They should otherwise be kept to a minimum. Agendas define actions; they do not build good relationships.

Above all Mentees must appreciate that their input is at least as important as their Mentor’s. True of most things in life, it is doubly true in a relationship that blossoms when it is informal and dies when the dead hand of process grasps it.

A good Mentee is a good Mentor in training.