The 21st Century has seen a shift away from shout media to discussion media, the internet blogs, wikis, forums. I call these ‘whisper’ media because whispering has that air of intimacy that characterises them. Relationships with employees are following the same trend.

‘Shout’ management still flourishes in some places. It is giving way to ‘discuss’ management. Had it done so earlier it might have prevented the arrogance that led to the near-collapse of capitalism.

Why is ‘discuss’ management only slowly taking root?

The easy answer is pride. Those who think only they know the solutions aren’t going to waste time listening to arguments of people they regard as intellectually inferior. But pride is a manifestation of the problem, not a cause of it. Indeed, I suggest that the underlying cause is a lack of personal pride or, as I would put it, confidence.

What we see as overt pride is insecurity. Not honest doubt but fundamental uncertainty about who the proud person is, what standards he aspires to, what he sees as his role in society and what his life objectives are. The shouting manager is noisy because he doesn’t want anyone to notice this weakness. He doesn’t realise that shouting simply advertises it.

We teach the theory of “Servant-Master” but fail to apply it. Intellectually we know it is right but we lack the confidence to practice it because we think to do so may show us as weak. In fact it does exactly the opposite. The truly strong do not need to shout.

There is, however, a second problem. In our search for ‘one-solution-fits-all’ we try to define the good manager as some static model fulfilling a checklist of desirable attributes. It doesn’t work like that. The very process of discussion changes the model of the manager if he or she listens to their charges and explores what is behind the feedback.

The new ‘whisper’ media are changing communications in general. Humans have always enjoyed a good gossip and provided it is not malicious, why not? Rural villagers pass on news and views over their daily chores to sate the appetite for involvement in our neighbours’ affairs.

The mass media made coffee-housing less necessary and time pressures prevented the intimate exchanges that had made society interesting, challenging and fun. The media shouted at us. We shouted at each other, often without realising that the very act of shouting is an act of aggression, whether intended or not – noisy workplaces have more disputes than quiet ones.

All that is changing fast. The twitter, the blog, the forum, the Facebook, the Linkedin and the other online societal groups make one-to-one communication easy and fast. They can be misused, but so can a motor car and a glass of wine. Handled properly the new media keep us informed without the underlying suspicion that we are being seduced into purchases and actions we don’t want.

For the same reason, they provide the valuable feedback every manufacturer has been seeking since the start of market research, with the added advantage that views can be pinpointed with remarkable accuracy and continuously plotted. A blog is as public or as private as you want to make it. Think of the implications for a new restaurant with daily assessments of what people are saying about the food and service. The customer really is King, at last.

Sensible businesses use the information provided by the new media to change and adapt their products and services, and to communicate directly with Consumer Leaders, that influential group that dictates fashion and whim and spurs us to greater achievements.

A sign of the importance of the new media is the monitoring services that are developing. Singapore has its own innovative version of this in Brandtology, a business that uses a combination of high technology and personal inspection to provide the sellers of goods and services with a day-by-day analysis of the internet criticisms and plaudits by consumers. Manufacturers can see how consumers are reacting to their long-established products as well as to newcomers just launched.

This has already been dramatically demonstrated in the computer world. For decades, computer manufacturers and software producers have dictated what sort of computer and platform the consumer may buy, with very little reference to what the consumer actually wants. I wrote an article on the ideal laptop nearly five years ago. Only now are the computer manufacturers paying heed to consumers’ demands, and all because – logically – the first subject of internet consumer comments was the computer.

Service providers are able continuously to keep tabs on the performance of their businesses in the eyes of the users and seeing how their competitors are faring at the same time. As a way of keeping a business on its toes I can think of none better.

Could a producer also manipulate the new media in somewhat the same way that the old media adapted advertisements and editorial to produce the advertorial? Such is the new software sophistication that, combined with a modest amount of personal inspection, deliberate attempts to ‘rig’ the internet comments can be identified and eliminated and only genuine observations and exchanges are examined. They are, for the most part, amateur comments, the views and feelings of the inexpert consumer. In other words, precisely what a producer needs to know.

Perception is all in a world that is so rapidly becoming part virtual, part real.

Sales training is important and I am the first to acknowledge that there are legitimate techniques for closing a sale. But the most important sales tools we have are our ears and our eyes. Someone came to me for an interview recently. Nice chap, decent, experienced but totally lacking emotional intelligence. He talked from start to finish. He was still talking as I gently pushed him into the lift and waved him goodbye. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t observe the surroundings. He didn’t ask a single question. Buy, boy, did he talk. I should think he’ll be in the ‘talking Olympics’.

Sad that the notes I had to write after his departure read like a primary school report. ‘Could do so much better.’

His inability to ask, to listen and to enthuse lost him the offer of a very good job. Even a smile would have been some compensation for his poor interactive ability but this fellow had taken gravitas to its logical conclusion – grimness.

He’s not alone in the sea of cold fishes.

When we train people to deal with others, whether they are sales people, IT technicians or doctors we must teach them first to observe. Doctors know this. “Eyes first, ears second, hands last and least, mouth not at all.” That was the dictum on which they were brought up – for diagnosis, but not often for dealing with the consequences of it.

Every interaction we have with another is about them, not about us. You may think that if both sides approach it from this point of view there won’t be much communication – each will be waiting for the other to speak. In practice there will be excellent communication.

An out of work friend came to me for advice. He’s had a bad run, not all his fault. He’s failed in a couple of jobs and he’s failing again in the present one. He asked me what I would advise him to do. I have observed this very nice man for a while now. He is depressed (but not clinically), he is dejected, he is a little sorry for himself, he is sensitive to other people’s criticism, even when they don’t mean to be critical.

Now I’m normally a kindly, sympathetic fellow. Life has been good to me; I try to be good to those it hasn’t treated so generously. But I gave him hell – well, not quite ‘hell’ but heading in that direction. Why?

The world bullies the defeated, applauds the successful. But it applauds most those who try, even when they don’t succeed. In fact, the world reserves the best of its pleasures for the enthusiastic. Not for the unrealistically effusive but for the communicators who demonstrate that they have observed the other person, have worked out the position they are in and who react to that analysis with gusto.

Genuine, sustainable enthusiasm is infectious. All those who bask in its sunshine become lively, interesting, engaged. And that’s where we came in. Every greeting must be relevant, genuine (not rote) and about the other person.

Dr Ee Peng Liang had it to a fine art. “How can I help you?” he greeted almost everyone. The difference was, he meant it.

Can you mean your greeting, too?